Gun Show Blues: Prepper Madness on Display

Montana’s oldest, largest and arguably best gun show just wrapped up in town this past Sunday, and like all 56 previous years, it was a real treat to wallow in the depths of gundom.

But there was dark side to the show when it comes to prepping. I’ll admit that those attending and especially those peddling their wares are not a representative cross section of society, however, the writing on the walls was clear: Most folks don’t have a clue how to prep. At least not in way useful to any realistic SHTF event.

Sure, the curve was heavily skewed towards the gun side, but the commentary, advice and general buzz about prepping rarely ventured much outside armament, politics, MREs, knives, and the impending doom of the day. Of course those topics are the most fun to talk about and purchase for, but an interesting observation I made during the show was that there is an inverse relationship between the physical health of the individual and the quality of his/her prepping wisdom. In a nutshell, the fatter the person, the more foolish and self-Infallible they are about prepping.

Go ahead and attack me, but the morbidly obese prepper, you have to admit, is at a significant disadvantage that in most cases is 100% self-inflicted. I’ll admit that there was a kind of sick fascination listening to them espouse their worldly views and solutions upon us consumers not unlike listening to 9-1-1 recordings after the crime, but it was also hard not to feel sorry for them.

The old adage about threes, you know the one, three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food, and the sometimes included three hours exposed to the elements (presumably unfriendly elements at that) are all situations where you can add another three, actually a one-third to be exact. Air, exposure, water, and food are three times more important to a fat person than a healthy person.

Or to put it bluntly, if you are obese, you will die three times faster than if you weren’t so fat. That’s one minute without air, one day without water, and one week without food. All that fat stored throughout your body is not a shed of firewood just sitting there waiting. Instead it is an expensive commodity that requires a lot of maintenance and care, and will spoil rapidly when the temperature goes up or the water intake goes down. The moment the stress of a true prepping event occurs, blood pressure, body temperature and respiration will rise, and all three will kill you faster than a bullet.

The stresses that the extra tonnage puts on your body's organs and mechanics are already two strikes against you so add in a few physical, psychological, and environmental challenges and you are seriously close to failure before the fun even starts.

At the gun show, there were plenty of wonderful folks eager to share their insights into the causes, effects, and prepping solutions for the impending doom. Pressing them for details, it sounded like the heavier amongst us are going to ride out the darkness sitting on their front porch in their super-strength Wal-Mart lawn chair sawing away at the riff-raff with both barrels. It was a tragic comedy of Shakespearean proportions.

So why am I, Professor Prepper, bothering to tell you this? Simple. There is still time to do something about it, and it is by far the single most important prep you can make. And the cheapest!

The American Lifestyle is a major cause of prepper obesity, and yet it also seems to be high on the list of important aspects on this planet necessary to preserve for future generations if given the chance. Well folks, let me say it first: Obesity is un-American! Need me to say it again? I’ll say it all day long! Obesity is un-American.

Global energy consumption per person: the higher the redder.

 Chronic obesity of the self-inflicted variety is a significant drag on our economy, our resources, our military, our security, and frankly, our very way of life. Listening to the obese gun peddlers describe their fixes to my world was nothing short of criminal. You see dear friends, in order to be comfortable in a spherical body that consumes two, three or four times as much as everyone else, the fantasy of prepping for darker times must also include the significant burden their girth places upon us. Our massive brethren cannot run, hike, even walk in many cases. They cannot ride a bike, swim, or even climb up the river embankment if they could swim across it. They cannot kayak, paddleboard, rappel (let alone mountain climb), and certainly they will share their gravitational burden with all those around them.

But they can stockpile guns and ammo and food and knives and opinions.

Please consider the significance of a true SHTF event. The brutal reality will set in rapidly, and in just a few days very difficult decisions will need to be made. The old ways of human and herding animals alike left the slow and old to fend for themselves thus cleansing the herd of weakness. Back in the day, if you packed on a few pounds, you would fall behind meaning there was less for your. You would either get fitter and drop a few, or be devoured by a pack of wolves. Nature's choice.

If you are an obese prepper, you better prep yourself mentally to be left behind. If any three of us cannot carry you, or if you are unable to walk three miles without stopping, or if you cannot ford even a mild river, then you are a liability. The whole point to prepping is to be prepared beyond the standard FEMA party line. The government might accept you as you are because that is the American way. But it is not fair to assume we will risk our life, limb and future because you cannot lay off the potato chips, beer and second helpings of pizza.

Unless you plan on shooting us in the back when we leave you, then forget about the guns for a while and focus on your health.

Take the Prepper Challenge and quit smoking, drop the weight, increase your stamina, and prep like you mean it!

And then we can get back to business.

Carrry on.

-PP®